I’ve started to try something new. I’ve started to become transparent before God. What I mean by this, is making an attempt to talk to God about everything, even those things that it seems wrong to ever talk to God about. Of course, God already knows everything, so it’s not telling Him anything He doesn’t already know, but it’s me opening myself up and trying to lay everything out there of what I’m thinking and feeling and just allowing God to listen to me.
This is certainly a scary process. Telling the Creator of all things about how you’re feeling, even when it’s something you know that He might not necessarily like. Even when it’s just complaining about the way things are going. Sometimes it’s just as simple as humbling yourself, and saying, “life sucks. I hate how things are going. I really wish that You had made things go a different way. I know I don’t know how it’s going to turn out and that You know much better than I do, but I still feel that way. This isn’t where I want to be.” It may even be using strong words that might seem inappropriate to say to God but so well express what really needs to be said.
As I was praying the other night as I was working, I began to ask God a question. I asked Him basically to give me a free pass to sin and mess up and make tons of mistakes without feeling the quilt or the shame for what I’ve done. I asked Him to do this and to allow me to intentionally do some of these things as I continue on the process to find myself.
I know this in unconventional, and maybe even wrong, but I felt the need to ask the question. If I was going to be transparent, this was something that I needed to ask. I want to be able to sin and mess up and make mistakes. I want to do the wrong thing as I search and try to find myself. I need to do it. So I asked Him. I can’t say I know the answer. Maybe it’ll take a while for me to not feel guilty. Maybe I’ll never reach that point. Maybe I’ll reach and it and lose God in the process because I’m so focused on me and wanting to do whatever I want. But maybe, it’ll happen and I’ll find myself and I’ll find God in the process and I’ll grow closer to Him and eventually it’ll be as if none of it ever happened and I’ll reach the point where I’m not sinning any more.
I don’t know the outcome, but I asked God to allow me to sin and basically defy Him, and right now I’m working on feeling no shame for it. Truthfully, I expect for Him to say no. But I’m not going to let myself feel bad for asking Him. He’s God, we can tell Him anything. We can talk to Him however we want. He can take it. He wants us to talk to Him. We need to not hold anything back. That’s what I’m beginning to learn.
It’s likely I’ll look back on this and wonder why I was such an idiot, but for now, it’s just part of my process. I’m not going to regret doing this. I’m not going to regret growing and learning and trying to grow closer to God. Sometimes it will happen in unconventional ways, like this. But I’m ready for things to be weird and unconventional. I’m tried of the normal and how boring it is. I’m ready for a crazy life.
I’m learning to be transparent with God. Without transparency, I’ll never be free. And I need to find freedom. I know it’ll be a wild, windy path ahead of me, but I’m ready to do this. And I’m ready to have God by my side every step of the way even when I’m screwing up. Because that’s when I’ll need Him the most to clean up my screw ups and help guide me forward.
Stuck In Between 